When hope feels too costly

One of the pillars of Aligned Hub is authenticity — it’s incredibly important to me that this space is not only built authentically, but that it also reflects authenticity. So I’ll be honest with you. These past few months have been really difficult, and I’ve been carrying discouragement in a way I haven’t known how to share.

I’ve felt far from God. But more than that, I’ve felt afraid to even attempt returning from where I’ve strayed. I’ve been holding back because trying feels too painful. Hope feels too costly.

Scripture says, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick” (Proverbs 13:12), and that's my current reality. The wounds that deferred hope have left me with still haven’t healed, and the thought of opening myself up to hope again feels unbearable.

I miss Him. But the thought of taking a step, of trying to pray, of doing all the things I know I should do, feels almost dangerous. If I take the step and feel as unheld as I have before, the discouragement intensifies. And if it intensifies, I don’t know if I can handle the sting.

It’s a lot to do with fear. Fear of hoping again and being let down. Fear that if I try and still feel unloved, I’ll only confirm that maybe His love doesn’t reach me as it reaches others, that maybe I’m left out.

So that’s where I’ve remained. Longing for His presence, but paralysed by fear. I want to feel close to Him, but every time I think about it, the fear comes first.

I know He never leaves us. I know He can never forsake us. My mind knows it, but my heart feels otherwise, and that’s what makes this so challenging.

I know the Word is true, I know His promises are real, but it doesn’t seem to change anything in how I feel.

What do you do when your experiences feel completely contrary to the Truth you know? The Truth is the Truth, yet my feelings are communicating a different story, and I’m left in the middle of that tension, not sure how to move forward.

Not sure how to reconcile what I know with what I feel.

I want to live by faith, but right now sight is the more dominant of the two. The reality of the discouragement is crystal clear yet my vision is clouded by its overwhelming presence.

I want to keep my grip on Him, but I don’t seem to have the strength. I can’t even muster the courage to look to Him. Though if I’m not looking, then I can’t be disappointed if I don't see, so somehow it feels safer.

Even so, the longing hasn’t gone away. Maybe for now that’s enough to remind me that He is my Lord, I am His, and I can’t leave Him even if I tried.

John 6:44 says, “No one can come to Me [Jesus] unless the Father who sent Me [Jesus] draws him.”

I have nowhere else to go, yet I can’t seem to find my way back. I’m left simply asking Him to draw me close, to bring me safely back to where I belong.

With love,

Feyisola