Back where I belong
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It’s been a while.
Ideally, these reflective pieces wouldn’t come so inconsistently, but here’s to trying to maintain this mode of sharing and allowing you, our growing audience, to experience the insights I remain so honoured to share.
The last newsletter was all about discouragement. At that time, I was in a raw, vulnerable place, battling my faith in a way I hadn’t ever experienced before. It was scary to realise the depths of discouragement I could reach, but in some ways, it was humbling to know I had such capacity to feel.
I felt hurt. I felt abandoned by God. And I allowed myself to feel that fully.
Now, however, the Lord did what He promises. I saw the story of the Shepherd in Luke 15:4-6 come alive in my life. In my (very) brief moments of prayer, I would say, “God, I really need You to come get me because I currently have no desire to return”. I could see how much the hurt had numbed my heart to Him, and I knew if He didn’t soften it, this would mark the end of my Christian walk.
And though it took longer than I would have liked (another thing added to my list of questions I have for when I get to be with Him), I cannot deny that He drew me back.
“Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbours together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’
Luke 15:4–6 (ESV)
Since then, one of the things He has been emphasising to me is the concept of relational responsibility. In the body of Christ, we are all connected. One person’s obedience can influence another person’s progress or stagnancy. Despite this, in our extremely self-focused world, it’s easy to think we only impact ourselves. Our feelings are the most important thing and everything else must bow to them.
But God has designed a system that is deeply relational. He uses people to bless people. Even Jesus needed community — from His siblings, to the intentional presence of the twelve disciples, to the fact that God the Son came down to be fathered by His own creation, Joseph.
We need people, and people need us. We each have a God-ordained role to play in the other's life, and how effectively we can operate within that role depends on how yielded we remain to the Lord.
I keep telling my loved ones that I expected some sort of “honeymoon period” when I returned — a slow warming up to things, a gradual return to the intensity I once experienced as a committed Christian.
But no, there was no probation. It was an immediate reinstatement: interceding for others in private as He reveals dangers ahead, speaking life into situations that ordinarily have little to do with me, occupying the spiritual roles He has placed me in within the lives of those I love.
At first glance, this itself could be misinterpreted as evidence of an authoritarian God. But I see His love even here. I see restoration in ways that, by human standards, shouldn’t be possible.
All in all, I continue to learn the many layers of His love. His love carried me through the time I was away, and that same love is active now that He has brought me back and set me to work.
Through it all, I remain deeply grateful.
With love,
Feyisola